The Wolfmen - Married to the Eiffel Tower

The only possible explanation for this music is that it was compiled by a cheerful yet super-intelligent alien orbiting Earth (possibly hiding behind the moon). It is, as far as I can see, the sole manner in which such a marvellous and exuberant mash up of beautiful sounds could have been conceived.

Bearing that in mind, I have managed to carefully piece together the exact history of this album, using a new science I shall christen 'Subject Emotive Accepting Aural Anthropology'. This could revolutionise our world view so pay attention; you're privileged to be at its birth. The method is simple; listen carefully to the sounds and decipher what made them, then using data compiled from a lifetime of assumption, prejudice and movies, construct a tale that has a vague possibility of being accurate if one changed all the laws of physics. Defend your tale rigorously against all the ridiculous radicals who wave FACTS about and, very importantly - this part cannot be overstated - ALWAYS SAY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD.

I shall now prove the efficacy of my method by demonstrating that this is the only way one can draw up a factual history of a song using no outside research whatsoever.

So here's what I think happened:

It was 08.32 New Orleans time, which meant that it was 18.32 in Tashkent, over which Bob the alien was hovering in his electric purple flying saucer to which he had recently added lightning bolts, glitter and puce coloured go-faster stripes. He stopped listening to Gary Numan, moved to his armchair and plugged his ears into his observation satellite monitors, hoping to have a listen to good old Earth, which was better than a soap opera. That said, being a massive, cheery stoner, Bob was also partial to a bit of Home and Away now and again.

At precisely this moment, a space gopher called Joseph was feeling very hungry. When he'd migrated into orbit, he had failed to take into account the lack of tasty nuts and berries. So far he'd survived on the refuse from the International Space Station but now he had spotted what looked to him like a giant blueberry. He swam over and sunk his teeth into Bob's flying saucer. Unfortunately that was the end of Joseph due to the electromagnetic field that every intelligent being knows exist on flying saucers but then Joseph had been a bit of a remedial gopher and didn't even have any GCSEs.

As he died, however, Joseph caused a disturbance in the field, meaning that Bob's mind was swamped by a series of simultaneous sounds from across the globe. A further malfunction caused them to flicker through time, bringing sounds that were at once specific, clear and never before heard together.

Being an early starter, at 09.34 Leonard Cohen sighed happily over a glass of fruity red wine whilst holidaying in Ottawa. He had always liked Ottawa and had just had a visit from Rupert Wainwright who he had got on very well with, despite having confused him with Rufus Wainwright. His mood was satisfied and content and also a little tipsy.

On the other side of the planet, it being a respectable 14.34 in Dublin, a thousand Irish people celebrated wildly in the streets, legs fluttering all over the place and bands swinging each other round.

From 1969 came the opening riffs of Woodstock and the crowd going wild. This was mashed in with other great moments in time; the first time Led Zeppelin played 'Immigrant Song' live; a bit of The Doors; and some mellow bong toting campers trying 'shrooms.

Like a work of fine Rococo embroidery, these sounds were overlaid with the sumptuous drapery of Delia Derbyshire realising the Doctor Who theme. Added to this were frills of 1980s silver jumpsuits; ruffles of early electro; flocking of twilight zone; and beading of all the greats from Tangerine Dream to Echo and the Bunnymen.

Like any reasonable person listening to this album, Bob the alien was blown away, filled with joy and spent the next few weeks in a haze of rocking out, electro-dance and trying hard to get perfect 80s Sigue Sigue Sputnik hair and new romantic fashion. When he emerged, a better alien than before, he knew he had to share it with the world. He made this album, slipped it under Marco Pirroni's (formerly of Adam & the Ants and Siouxsie and the Banshees) pillow like an adult tooth fairy and probed everyone into believing that they had made it themselves.

In all seriousness, this album is brilliant. It manages to be contemporary and original without losing any of the sly nods to its history. It is full of energy and seems at once revolutionary and recognisable. There are not any tunes that I do not consider to be instant classics and I predict this will become one of my favourite bands once the awe has settled and I can finally accept that they really exist and I haven't just imagined them in some perfect dream. The eclectic mix of genres is perfectly balanced by the synthetic sounds and the guttural, bass, half muttered vocals that are the aural equivalent of, funnily enough, a smoky, sexy Parisian bar stocked to the brim with famous novelists and bohemian lesbians.

Anyone who doesn't love this is stupider than Joseph the gopher.