Hurts

Blood Tears and Gold

Self-released

Released: Monday 11 January 2010

Feted just about everywhere for looking like The Pet Shop's circa 'Being Boring', Hurts are apparently what 2010 is all about - bringing back the Bad Old 80s. Not the fun 80s of Cyndi Lauper, gender bending and balloons on Top of the Pops. And not the weird, Northern alternative 80s of The Smiths, The Fall and statement raincoats. No, see, because we've already brought all that back and done it to death. So what's left? That's right: the dreary, earnest, bleeding-heart balladry which clogged up the middle of the decade as peddled by the likes of Phil Collins, Sting and George Michael after he stopped being fun but before he turned into the gay, spliff-toting uncle you wish you'd had. Imagine how comedy gold it would be if you were 17 and your folks had him round for Sunday lunch? After crashing his car on your front lawn, he'd get royally mashed before dinner was served and then finish the night doing the 'YMCA' dance on the dining room table! Memories to treasure, you'll agree.

Anyway, 'Blood Tears and Gold' (on the band's MySpace now) is a floppy, suppurating dirge which wants desperately to be described as 'stately'. Apparently, Hurts make disco lento, which is possibly Italian for 'extremely tedious and vacuous music you can't dance to'. It comes with a monochrome video where the Hurt boys (Non-Neil Tennant and Chris Faux) stand around looking moody and suffering each other's farts while dressed like 80s Wall Street gimps. When PSB, or Dexy's Midnight Runners circa Don't Stand Me Down, dressed the same way it was meant as ironic subversion. Why are Hurts done up like this now? Because somehow, through some hideous quirk of pop fate, looking like you've just ponced off the cover of a 1986 edition of Smash Hits is considered cool. Well it isn't, ok, Hurts? It isn't big, it isn't clever and it certainly isn't cool. It's dull. Like, Midge Ure dull. If this is what 2010 has in store for us then we are in trouble.

Richard Morris